Significance

Let me preface this note by saying, that I am now a 43 year old woman and I am secure in my self. To my true blue buds, don't freak out-- I am just sharing tonight. That being said....
I feel insignificant. I look at my life and wonder did I make the right decisions? For instance, cutting my hair off--bad decision. Marrying my husband and having 3 of the smartest boys ever--good decision. Taking out credit cards at any time in my life--BAD decision. Skipping my senior year of high school--at the time, good decision. This could go on for a while...
Anyway, what has prompted this latest round of self examination is some pictures that friends are posting from high school, college, etc. There was a girl in school that I tried to be like because I thought that she was the perfect girl. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to look like her (that wasn't going to happen because she was a size 4, beautiful hair, perfect smile, perfect wardrobe, etc). Try as I could I finally realized I was the hick to her beauty. She could sing, act, smile, flirt, was quiet, sweet, soft, and a southern belle kind of girl. She was always homecoming queen, Miss Congeniality, the high school beauty, (just my luck that we went to the same college so...)--the college beauty, the perfect teacher, probably the perfect wife and mother. I understand that even today, she is still a size 4 after having kids and is drop dead gorgeous. This comes from a guy's perspective though so I don't know. I wanted to be her. In my mind, I knew that someday I could achieve this goal. I have a picture of her for motivation to lose weight. Yeah...I think it actually motivated me to eat more.
In my mind, she has always been the perfect person.
She has always been the person that is like a thorn in your side because I can't be perfect like her. Even my mom wanted me to be more like her. Actually I think every mom wanted their daughter to be more like her. It frustrated me then and it frustrates me now that I can't be like her.
I want you to know that I have given it my best shot. I married my college sweetheart, she did too. I had no one except immediate family (my choice because I have a hot temper) and a homemade dress for my wedding, I am willing to bet that she had the blowout of the century style wedding with the most gorgeous dress. I had 3 handsome boys, she had 2 kids of her own. I moved to the country and small town, she stayed in the big city. I gained several many pounds, she actually lost weight.
I still love to act, though I don't much because...well..., I still make a joyful noise (sing), I still yell at the top of my lungs and talk loudly. I bake, laugh, and make some mean sweet tea. I play games with my friends, and have intense Mario party wars with my boys. I love the goofiest movies, classic television shows, and music. I am working on my photo taking abilities and developing a knack for crocheting scarves (it's all they taught me and that was an intense effort on my niece's part). I would like to think that I teach pretty well (although there are those people who would debate that) and I can't resist babies.
There are no fancy awards sitting around my house unless you consider my sons' trophies for sports, etc. and there is no Nobel prize of any kind around, no van Cliburn award anywhere, no Emmys or Oscars. No Grammys. I just have my marriage that has lasted almost 21 years, my 3 smart boys who have all skipped a grade throughout their academic career, and a peaceful, calm house in the country with a great view. Maybe there is no significance according to the world but I am thinking that I am more significant than I give myself credit for. Did I make the right choices, not always but there are some big ones that I am quite proud of.