I did something I am not proud of tonight. I gave into the depressive mood I was in. I had been doing well with it and maintaining it. Unfortunately, I got out of the maintaining mode and decided that I was doing okay. Reality, not really. I felt myself slipping down that road again and try as I might I couldn't pull myself out of it. I hate the thought that I can't keep from going there. I hate the thought that I am so weak that I sink into the depths of sadness and "darkness". I hate when I give in to it all and do the one thing I know I shouldn't...eat.
It is a bad drug for me. Some people turn to cigarettes, some to drugs, some to alcohol. Not me, I turn straight to the fridge, cabinet, and pantry. What is sad is that I don't get a little something. No, I usually get something upsized. Now I feel nauseated and almost wish I could throw up. I can't make myself throw up because I would rather have dental surgery than throw up. So, I will take myself to bed after I take the pepto and wait it out.
Today is one of the days when I wish Mom Pipes was here. She would listen to me and talk me through this. She was my floatation device when I would get in this mode. The one thing I could hear her say was that I needed to pray about it and ask God to help me work through this. Then she would tell me to go to the scripture and God would guide me to where I needed to look. I would get a hug and a pat on the arm then she would offer me a glass of water or something to drink.
So, I will pray about this, get up and study the Word, and drink my glass of tea while pullin' up the boot straps and movin' on.
Don't beat yourself up. I struggle with the same thing. I have grabbed chocolate and gobbled like a chain smoker smokes or a drunk goes for alchol when things got tough. It was in the past and grace is new today. You are a work in progress.
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